Stay Alive (2006)

Oh, Jesus. I could go on and tell you, in great detail, exactly why this lunkheaded lump of lame, so brazen in its idiocy, isn't worth a tin shit in a rusted bucket. For instance, I could tell you that the filmmakers, on all evidence, realize the major flaw in their premise. It's about a videogame that kills you if you die in the game. So the obvious solution is: DON'T PLAY THE GODDAMN GAME. But even that won't stop a pair of resourceful no-talents -- why adhere to rules (you know, like games do) when you can just change rules and make shit up as it suits you (you know, like a bad movie)? I could probably also point out that the climax is retarded, being that it hinges on a character saving the day while the audience scratches their head and wonder if they dreamed the fact that said character was offed fifteen minutes prior. (And the stinger epilogue is also retarded, for reasons which I will only elaborate upon request.) I could go through a long, sad list of everything that is wrong with this film. But that's unnecessary. You already know it sucks. I knew it was going to suck walking in. And how is that knowledge so common? It's because this film is about Elizabeth Bathory, a notorious Romanian historical figure who's often cited as one of the models for Dracula. You may be asking yourself, how does that make this film's suckhood obvious. First off, let's remember that you likely haven't seen Eternal. But here's the thing: Read the premise and pay attention to the setting. Stay Alive is set in Louisiana. Last time I checked, Louisiana was nowhere near Romania. So how the fuck did Elizabeth Bathory get there?

Grade: D