St. John's Wort (2001)

Okay, so say they made a videogame out of that stupid Jan de Bont movie The Haunting. Of course, like all videogames, it would be only tangentially faithful to the source film. And then some coke-addled Hollywood exec gets the bright idea to make a movie out of this videogame. He hears Uwe Boll does horror-based videogame movies cheap, so he hires him to write and direct. Boll churns out the project in a matter of weeks and hands it over to the studio, at which point they decide to shoot for a PG-13 and cut down the gore Boll is so fond of. In going through this re-editing, they inadvertantly lop off several moments that are important to the plot and the character development, so now the thing doesn't make a whole lot of sense. After a disastrous test screening, the studio calls in Takashi Shimizu to do some reshoots in hopes of maybe injecting some atmosphere into the project. Go on and take a minute to imagine this film. Look at it. See how bad it would turn out. I'll wait for you.
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Okay, are you locked in on that hypothetical film now? Can you envision the pain it would cause, the disgust that would register upon viewing it? Now get this: St. John's Wort, though superficially similar to the described hypothetical film, is undoubtedly EVEN WORSE than whatever you've just imagined. Yeah. I know.

Grade: F