Revenge of the Cheerleaders (1976)

Movies don't get much more worthless than this. Even judged by the low low standards of 70s-softcore-cheerleader-porn, this rot is pathetic. See, you've got these cheerleaders, and they apparently only function as a group. At least, it seems that way because the script doesn't assign any of them any kind of personality traits that would set them apart from their fellow squad members. So you've got that against the film. Then factor in the terrible acting, the blind-man's-bluff direction and the haphazard plotting. Lastly, just to provide that final twist of the knife, take note of the fact that none of the sex is interesting. How sad is that? I mean, the sex'n'nudity is the film's entire reason to exist. And they couldn't even get that right. And the people responsible for this did all this on a dollar-fifty, which means the film isn't even worth looking at. I've seen hardcore porn films with better production values. I know, you're thinking The Devil in Miss Jones or The Opening of Misty Beethoven. But you know what? As I type these words, there's a DVD in front of me entitled Cheerleader Diaries. It exemplifies everything that's wrong with the shot-on-video porn industry -- it's cheap, it's dull, it looks like crap and it's got actresses who look like they'd rather be elsewhere and aren't even that good-looking besides (I like Allysin Chaines in the Kelly the Coed series, but her appearance here is the DVD's low point). It's an all-around failure at its job... and it's still miles ahead of Revenge of the Cheerleaders. If I had the money, I would devote the rest of my life to flying around the world, finding everyone involved with the making of this movie and beating their freakin' faces in. (Except for two principals: David Hasselhoff, who accrued enough cool points from The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie to garner a pass, and Cheryl 'Rainbeaux' Smith, who died from hepatitis back in 2002.)

Grade: F