Darkness (2004)

Dear Fellows at Dimension Films:

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but... {DEEP BREATH}

Dimension, I'm sorry.

Now, I've cursed you guys up and down in the past. I will likely do so in the future. I also understand that you guys did recut this a bit to get it down to PG-13 level, and I should be mad at you for that. (Especially for the already-notorious "freaking door" scene.) But even if you'd released this in its original, unadulterated form, I doubt it would have been any better. Not unless you guys, in trying to soften this up, inadvertantly cut out all the film's connective tissue with its extra gore. Which I think is unlikely. Instead, what I think happened is that the rights to this were bought before you guys realized what a dumb, shapeless and incoherent product this really was. Upon viewing it, you knew there was no way this could become a word-of-mouth hit, what with its obstinate, unlikeable characters and its thoroughly lousy climax and its defiance of any kind of sense. So while I object to the recutting and delayed release on artistic grounds, it makes sense from a business perspective -- you were merely trying to release it in a fashion that would allow you to recoup most of your losses. You were right to want to keep this on a shelf. I'm sorry I doubted you this time.

Sincerely,
Reviewer (Dread Pirate) Steve

P.S.: Tell Jaume Balaguero that he has some impressive visual talent, especially in his sparing utilization of light, but if he ever gets near a typewriter again I'm gonna break his fucking fingers.

Grade: C-