Kaena: The Prophecy (2004)

Hey kids! Remember Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within? Remember how much it sucked? Wouldn't you like to see how bad it really could have been? Forget Jacques Chirac -- THIS is why we should be boycotting the French. Sloppy attempt to cash in on the CG feature craze features an impenetrable screenplay, ho-hum voicework and some of the worst CG animation you'll likely ever see. It's stiff, sterile and muddily monochromatic, looking for all the world like a lost cut scene from one of the "Tomb Raider" games. If half the care that had gone into crafting the heroine's gravity-defying breasts and voluptuous ass had been put into the rest of the design, the film would at least be interesting to watch in the literal sense. We'd still be stuck with the teeth-grinding plot and characters, though. By the end of the film, Mankind has stabbed Mother Nature in the fucking heart and they call it a happy ending. Bite me, you cheese-eating surrender monkeys. You'll pay for this.

Grade: D-