Underworld (2003)

Basically ersatz Bruckheimer -- loud, ugly and chaotic. The monochrome, washed-out visual scheme is pretty painful to watch, but it does seem to fit the muddled characters and storyline. Near the end, the script's internal compass breaks, resulting in a final battle where there's no indication of who we should actually be rooting for; the only thing we as responsible audience members can do is laugh. Truly, truly dismal. I should have walked.

Grade: D-