They (2002)

It's like the scary version of Monsters, Inc. except minus the quality. This film never really lives up to its pre-title scene, a creepy-ass evocation of a common childhood fear that left me going "Did they just -- I can't believe -- wow, they actually did that!" The last scene is kinda freaky too, but that leaves us with three minutes total of good horror and about 87 minutes of get-the-fuck-on-with-it boredom. The acting is pretty abysmal throughout, what with the not-ready-for-WB players on display here apparently unfamiliar with the idea of natural intonation. (You get the feeling Laura Regan landed the main role just because she can scream like a mother.) Even if the actors were brilliant, though, we'd still be stuck with the retarded screenplay. Tell me: If you were privy to night terrors where you knew that nasty creepy-crawly insectoid-looking things were definitely going to come out of the dark and eat you, wouldn't you, I don't know, try to stay out of poorly-lit places like heating ducts and subway tunnels? It took all my self-control not to yell at the screen, "GET OUT OF THE DARK, STUPID-ASSES!"

Grade: D+